Fortissimo

Before my sob story of the day, allow me a paragraph to shamelessly promote (once again) my story-blog. Details there (why I set it up, why blog format and not site format), but hey, if anyone's reading it there are no comments at all! Don't have to be a de Souza-length Lit essay, just a note to say Hi lah. Make me feel like there are people who appreciate my efforts leh.

But if you want to write a full length essay, you're welcome! Just make sure you don't beat around the bush to churn out a thousand words.

Love you all! Ok now on with my sob story.

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Seems I have plenty of sob stories nowadays. Perhaps I had them already, but last year no time to write. Too busy to feel sad. That's sad.

I just came to realise. I was enlightened today. Seen the truth.

The truth is, I was finished with the VSELDDS the moment we (our batch of ELers) left our last meeting. I would forever be welcome back as an alumni, welcome into meetings and rehearsals, but never. Never again will I make a tangible impact anymore. I can tell John he's being too screechy, or Jafnie not to torture the poor dead man by rattling the hell out of him. Even if I am invited to return to direct a play and am being introduced as an 'extremely accomplished actor, a very nice guy too!' I will never again share that special intimacy with members.

I'm not complaining. I hope I'm not whining. I have been learning alot since going out into the real world, the dirty politics, the way to resolve conflicts. And more painful lessons such as these. Out means out. I realise now I haven't been losing faith in their acting, I have been losing faith in my own communication with them. And to think there is so much more to discover - break-ups, spousal quarrels... God do I shudder.

And now, what can I do? Except sit quietly and watch the performance, knowing if I had been to more rehearsals I would be helping to spot errors and correctible areas instead of trying to stifle my laughter from the countless jokes. When people who care more than they're required to turn to me for approval, I nod quietly, smiling proudly at how much they have achieved in a fortnight, perhaps less. When people ask, I merely agree and say, 'No COP.', happy inside with their ecstatic smiles.

That's all I can do, besides attending the performance come Wednesday. And I shall be contented with that now.

Ah yes. Contented.