Fortissimo

I spoke too quickly.

I feel now that my Father has disappeared from my side, abandoning me because of my utter stupidity. But I think again, and this time I hear Him calling from my heart, comforting my pained sighs. How true it was when it was sung in an opera...

D' amor sull' ali rosee
vanne, sospir dolente:
del prigioniero misero
conforta l' egra mente...

On the rosy wings of love,
go, pained sighs:
go to alleviate the sick mind
of the wretch that lies imprisoned!

I merely wished to get to know her better. Even though that doesn't count as liking her, it was still a disappointment when she made it clear that she was not interested, and neither were her friends (apparently some arsehole spreaded rumours of certain guys in our clique eyeing certain girls in hers). And in a three way conference with Ben (who, frankly, didn't help much by typing haha like half the time...) she and me sort of thrashed it out on behalf of our groups. Me insisting that rumours were just what they were, she making it clear that they are quite focused on studies. Even though I was not happy that she mentioned she fancied someone then refused to name him, because I practically laid our asses in front of her, clean and honest, I didn't push her on that. It was really tense for awhile, I thought if the computer screen didn't explode first, my arteries certainly would. Luckily we cooled off in time, with the usual 'it's not you', 'I'm sorry about all of this'. I knew it was exchanged out of true remorse, and not out of courtesy or necessity. At least, I hope she was doing the same.
Even though I find no reason to doubt her, at all, I have found myself to be foolishly naive. Naive about the true dirtiness of life, of girls, of politics... I don't want to be made a fool again. How can I ever step out like this, especially when I see relationships blossoming brilliantly around me? And I, standing alone, cold and solitary, like those amusing scenes where the poor reject finds himself in a snowy desert with flying snow and whistling wind, while the camera circles around him/her.
I feel so warm inside for them, feeling a touch of the warmth of the fatal attraction of love, puppy or not. I'm just glad I still have my Father to embrace me. I feel so strange now. So empty. Not because she rejected me, I mean I've hardly started on her... but because of the sense that I have somehow failed. Failed miserably and perhaps even shamefully to just get a closer friend.

If you're reading this, know again that you are not at fault. You simply made clear your stand, and disappointed as I am you have gained my respect. I know somehow that deep inside, reaching far beyond friendship and love, we now have something to identify, something in common, and that we both share, and that that would bring us closer, not platonically, but in a sense beyond 'Hello's and 'Thank you's, or holding doors when either of us are carrying two cups of coffee for whatever reason. It's something inexplicable, yet firmly anchored. For that, and for the experience, thank you.
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I'm whining more and more nowadays. And mushy too. But as long as it's sincere, the hell with how I sound. And I'm sleepy too.