Fortissimo

I'm in one of those meaning-of-life moods today. You have been warned.

The stupid Blogger compose page is back to normal, for the select few affected, ie. Bertrand and me and perhaps a hundred thousand other unhappy people out there. Credit is hereby given to whoever the hell repaired it. Good to have my convenient window back.

Went to see Dr Steven Ang at Redhill on Zhi's recommendation. I set an appointment for 3.30, but he got caught up with some emergency surgery at the hospital, and could only come back at 5. I chose to wait by getting the freaking biggest Gulp and sitting outside the clinic and trying to read the Concise Guide to Writing. I'll spare the details of our meeting.

Did an on-the-spot concept essay with Daphne and Ryan for English. It got all of us into quite a bad mood because we couldn't agree on the topic, and also Ryan didn't get me right, so he thought I said his idea was off-topic when I complained about the limited points. Maths... Another gruelling session. Today I wasn't quite paying attention, just copying all the sums down to be digested like 3000 years later. Just as we finished my aunt called to say she had two tickets to Beyond's concert here next Saturday. Since Hans couldn't go because he was playing for his friend Sugi on Channel U's hosting talent show, Kahyee and Kaiyan are going. Jill gave what I thought was a rather good jack in the balls when she piped, 'Nice work Renhao.' Came back to play pool in the Rec Room, not my day today, especially since the others were suaning me about my glove. Hee I still couldn't resist it and took it out. Really la Hans. I could aim better after that! Really! The hell whether the ball got pocketed or not, I just could aim better.

Which brings me to my meaning-of-life section.

Today Kaiyan told me to use my glove, and I said that as yet I wasn't in the mood for it (probably knew at the back of my head it wasn't my day or something... I dunno these things). And then he told me no glove cannot play. Until I found a dollar coin and had a one-on-one with Hans.

On most other days, I would not have hesitated to call him a childish motherfucker who banks on cheap thrills such as this. Today would be classified as a most other day.

I mean it's true.

But it is mean. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Why curse and swear at other people?

Hans doesn't like my phone. But he told me himself, and I'm grateful for it, that he said that it was my money, my choice, and that I shouldn't care whether he liked it or not. Although of course it doesn't quite matter does it because he still jacks me every other hour with a quip about my gay phone and gay glove.

Daphne did not like my post. But this is my blog, and I don't quite care what other people like or don't like. I hate to be confined under rules even for blogging, so much for a free society, but I know that as long as I am responsible and don't write (stupid) racist comments, then I am still free to say whatever I like. Oh and, no anti-PAP. Definitely no-no. :P

Remember the Wemmicks story? Read it here if you haven't. Or refresh your memory. So many people in this world are like little Punchinello. And sad to say, I think I am more like him than most people around me. Perhaps I don't actively seek others' approval and even attention, but what people say do get into me.

Why should it?

That was why I reacted so strongly when Kaiyan called my phone gay. It's my phone and I decide whether it's gay or not. It's my glove, and I decide whether it is nice or not, whether it is gay or not.

And for the record, Felice really really sounds gay. I admit. I'll probably black it out real soon.

But why do I have to react so strongly? Why should I defend my actions? What authority do people have to make me defend my actions? Say what you want, I don't care. I live for myself, and for the God I serve (whomever it may be for you). Gay? Then you don't buy lor. What's the problem?

In this respect, perhaps it's time to change this particular habit of ours. I say ours because I am guilty of it myself, though in lesser proportions, I must say. It is time for me to stop telling people what I like about them, and what I don't. I just want to respect them as a friend and fellow human being. And I don't want to feel anymore compelled to follow what my friends say. Gay? I'm sorry, I'll change it right away... Still gay? Never mind then I'll trash and burn the glove. Never. I made a calculated decision to save for and use the pool glove, and that is that. I hope you will respect this decision of mine, and perhaps it's time to think whether you have this problem as well, whatever degree it may be in.

Of course, I know the difference between this, and genuine constructive criticism. Kaiyan's comment that Felice sounded gay was right, and I have accepted that. Refusing to acknowledge others' opinions of you doesn't mean blindly firewalling everything said about you. If I think it is constructive criticism, you will see a change. Or if you don't, tell me again. And try to put it nicely. But if I see that it is an attempt to thumb me down... Well.

You can be a better friend. It's possible.