This is a long post.
COM217 ----- A-
COM225 ----- A-
UGC112 ----- A
MGQ201 ----- B
PSY101 ----- C
GPA -------- 3.25125
CGPA ------- approx. 3.163
I didn't blame Lee Chin Choo for the C for Microecons. I just couldn't get it, and in all respects she was a good lecturer.
I, however, blame Auntie Yeap. This is the second time I missed the cum laude because of a C. Ass clown.
Today Baoling and I dragged our sleepy asses back to school for the newsletter meeting. I'm happy to say that it's much more organized now. After the meeting we went to Esplanade because we both agreed that it was tear-inducingly boring at home, so we went to pick up a couple of DVDs to watch. And after that my knees were weak from hunger, thanks to my smart eating habits. I had no breakfast, I finished a quarter can of Pringles chips during the meeting, and I had bubble tea after that. Naturally those disappeared quite fast. So anyway we went to Marina Center. But we kept getting distracted left right centre, so it was sometime before we settled down at our destination of Carl's Jr. After we had finished I was done for dinner, and maybe even tomorrow's breakfast as well...
As we got up we realised it was 5 o'clock... results! So we went backwards to the McCafe hoping there were computer terminals there, but there wasn't! So all jittery we walked quickly to Pacific Coffee at One Raffles, and yes! Unused computer terminal. We thought we had to waste like 5 bucks on a drink before we could use the computer, but I noticed it was logged on to the Internet, so I just tried typing www.sim.edu.sg, and oooo it worked! The C really disappointed me, and from what I gather, alot of people also expected much higher than what they got. Well then, enough of results.
What you're about to read is a post I wrote on paper late one night last December, intending to enter it into this blog the next day. I kinda like the writing here (there are times I don't like my own writing), and as I ran through it I felt all the emotions rushing back in an exhilirating rollercoaster ride.
The content of what you are about to read is very real, and hell it still happens, but the questions raised in here don't really matter anymore. But I thought I'd share this with all you faithful readers out there, just a little intimate look.
So. Here goes.
Submit to them.
Yes, I thought to myself. Yes, I'll call Sandra to confirm whether it was her who said that.
Submit to them.
It's 12am. Too late. I'll call her tomorrow. And if she asks what's up... well, I'll just tell her.
Yes, I will do that.
Submit to them.
Submit to them. Don't defy your parents. Just do what they want.
You know this may not be the best time, but people normally withold freedom from others because they think that that person isn't ready to handle it yet.
My heart just freezes everytime you do that.
Ryan said it. Ryan said submit to them!
He's in camp right now.
How often have I submitted since then?
Back to eleven now are we? Stricter during the holidays?
Your parents are uber control freaks.
Freedom comes at a hard price.
My heart freezes everytime you do that.
Enjoyed your little glimpse into my train of thought?
Ever wondered why I behave like that?
Yeah. My thoughts are a drama series. Game of Life.
My mom came in at 11.58pm. Put her finger on the switch. I was watching Family Guy.
I held my index finger up. Right away ma'am...
As the computer went throught its shutdown process, I mindlessly shifted things around my desk. I wasn't even trying to arrange it... just shoving something to another part of my table, and dragging something in to fill the space.
'Don't take advantage of me because I am nice. Don't take advantage of me because I don't want to spoil your computer. Appreciate it. Tomorrow onwards, 11 o'clock. Delay somemore, 10 o'clock. And I will turn the switch off when the time comes.'
The screaming began. No, not screaming. Just the talking back. In my head.
Shut up, fuck you. What the hell is the meaning of this? what else do you want me to do?
Which one is it now? 'Don't curse your parents'? or 'Therefore now no condemnation'?
I went to my room to continue on the Da Vinci Code. I felt like flinging the book against the wall. I felt like smashing the classical guitar. I felt like roaring 'Control won't last forever!' I felt like tearing and clawing at everything I could get my hands on.
But I was empty. No wave of searing rage threatened to break the dam. No primal scream. Just desperate hope, shaking the dragon, trying to wake it from its contented slumber.
I picked up the classical, the familiar printed tab. Four pages. Two of which I never use.
Tears in the Rain by Joe Satriani (Satch) from the album 'The Extremist'.
Pushed through the usual run of mistake, after mistake, pause, after pause, misfret, after misfret, mute after mute.
At least let me complete the closing sequence well.
No go. Muted again.
I set the classical down, back at its place propped against the goot of my bed, with a loud bang. I knew it wouldn't add a scratch to its worn body, simply because I had subjected it to far worse treatment. And it's still find, albeit with two missing machine heads, a chipped nut, a crack in the neck, an overhigh saddle, and plenty of pockmarks and scratches.
Yes I'm eyeing the $98 starter set. But first, my internal 120GB hard drive.
I contemplated telling them that if you wanted to chain me up this way, just take the whole damn thing away. Don't give stupid crap nonsense like eleven o'clock because it's the holidays and you have no work to be rushed. I feel like telling them I have alot to entertain me without the computer. I can sit in front of the TV all day. I have Hindi dramas and anime to watch. I have John Irving and Narnia to read. Oh yes, King Kong and Narnia to watch too.
I could well be a couch fucking potato without the computer. At least I do my emails and look for decent information and blog on the computer.
But forget it eh? Don't fight. Just do it.
There has to be a reason for that one.
What is He trying to tell me?
Leave the battle to Me?
But everyone who did that was doing something, not being a yes-man.
Confusing isn't it? I must seek my personal soothsayer.
Ryan comes back from camp today.
Yesterday it happened again. This time, my mother went to the extent of saying 'After 17 years, what have you contributed to the family la you tell me?'
For the record, I obviously never posted this up till now, and neither did I remember consulting Ryan's advice. That is one blessing/curse I have, I let grudges pass very very quickly. Escapism? I dunno.
Speaking of escapism, I was feeling rather off colour yesterday, like there are so many things I wish to express in my heart... On MSN chat, in writing, in speech, in song... But yet I was too messed up to do anything. I was actually doing the Hermione-Draco fanfic I'm co-authoring with Mano, and I was doing a quarrel, which suited my somewhat belligerent mood then I guess. So anyway even that I couldn't continue (maybe it's because I got to the confession part. OoOoOooo...). I tried to play mahjong, but I was not concentrating at all, and let countless pong-able tiles slip.
I decided then to listen to Immortal, whose discography I had obtained a couple of days ago in a burst of performance from my usually unworking source.
And as I listened, the boulders and weights in my chest slowly lifted. Yes I had to do silly metal actions to totally swing it off (I was headbanging and windmilling at my brother and giving him the horn and sticking my tongue out and rolling my eyes...). The fact is that I felt much better after that. Now this is not meant to work for everybody, ok, so don't just look up Immortal and blast their music. To each his own. Metal I guess is my form of escapism, or maybe a sort of siphon for problems to go into Minusland, I dunno whether that would be the same. I think it's important to find your own unique escapism. No, drinking is not escapism. Nor is illegitimate sex or gambling. You only think those are escapisms. Escapisms are enhanced fantasies which in the end when you return to Earth do you no harm. I dare you to tell me how any of those three in excess can provide escapism without harm. Heck, you don't even have to have illegit sex often to fling yourself in harm's way.
Coming back to the post-that-never-was, notice how Ryan was mentioned so explicitly. I thought I'd ask him for permission before putting it up here. So anyway we were talking about how you could reason your way past Einstein himself and not get past your own mother. And we agreed then that hitting back with what we think are ouchie stuff like 'Then perhaps it was a mistake to bring me into this world' don't pwn them and shut their traps, but in fact make them all the more madder at you. So I'm really glad I held my tongue when I would have released my (lousy, totally ineffective) bankai. Then I started asking really, what do they want us to contribute then?
You know sometimes I feel ashamed when I talk to Ryan. I feel so immature. When he says things it's like motherfricking obvious and yet I somehow don't get it.
He said he tries to contribute by caring for his siblings. And I said damn give me a baby brother anytime I'll push shove and knife my way to the top of his fave list. And I admitted to him that I had failed with my younger brother, that he had picked up a good many things from me that he would have been much much much better off not knowing about at all. And Ryan said since you say you're easy with children, why can't you make yourself easier with young teenagers?
And why can't you push shove and knife your way to the top of his fave list?
Obviously it's gonna be hard work, but I'm encouraged by the fact that he finds difficulties in caring for a baby brother, which I would think would be a breeze since I love children so much. I guess if he can find difficulty in caring for a toddler, one who emits cute sounds and random syllables and neither argues back nor backstabs you, I guess there is still hope for my relationship with my adolescent brother. In the end, I guess (I'm guessing alot am I...) it's just up to you to find the gap you were sent to earth to fill, and get cracking.
Also this whole topic generally relates to the Christian topic of submission to authority, which is really hard to do, all the more since the Christian ideal states unquestioning obedience. Because if we submitted to authority, we would 'grow in wisdom and stature', just as Jesus did. You don't really have to commit suicide if you slip and go against authority, everyone makes mistakes, but we should try to obey our parents as much as possible.
I tell you something though. It's been a year since I stepped into UB. And gosh I probably learnt more about the world in this year than 16 years of meaningless existence. But what I learnt was to be rebellious. Hell yeah my parents are control freaks. I learnt to retort more effectively (communication haha), I spent alot of time thinking about effective lash outs, I did alot of things my parents didn't approve of, I learnt alot from my friends. Don't get me wrong though. I'm not blaming my friends for teaching me things I wouldn't have learnt otherwise, I should be and I am grateful for that. And this year has been far from a waste. Because no matter if I felt my parents didn't give me enough freedom. I created my own freedom. I learnt to be vague about what time I expect myself to finish. And if they insist on a time, I take the time I end class and add one or two hours. I learnt how it felt to have the flexibility of time on my side.
Kids below 14 who are reading this, please do not try this at home. I am a professional who has been properly trained.
But I've been thinking these few days, and hell. Perhaps I've had enough of that. Like they say, it was fun while it lasted, but I want to be a better Christian this year. And hey, not just me. Be a better Buddhist this year. Better Muslim. Better Hindu.
You'll have to pardon my missing out your religion. You know I couldn't possibly put everything down. Although I'd gladly link to a page if there was one...
In Sec 4 one of my Muslim friends skipped Friday prayers in favour of Chem supplementary lessons. Try to fault him la you tell me.
Anyways, it's time I settled down la I think. The one-month hiatus from church probably did me some good. It made me think alot whether I really was committed to being a Christian, or just being a Sunday Christian who pretends to cry during Praise and Worship, and amen's the loudest in response to the pastor. Is Jesus who I really wanted to look to? Am I just doing it for show? For Ryan? For my cousin? My brother? Because honestly I could sleep late and enjoy myself alot on Sunday morning. I can be and I enjoy doing that.
But everytime I questioned myself like that, I always got back the same answer. Even in the greatest doubt, something inside says, no. A Christian is who you are, who you are destined to be, and who you will be. Don't give up.
See this is why I like blogging. I reason through writing. Now I realise that I've been asking for nothing when I prayed for God to let me hear His voice. I already heard it. Many times. A calm, quiet, and firm voice in the midst of chaos and confusion. That is Him.
Gosh. Yearly plan. I sound like Bernard. Never mind. I'm sure alot of people have this sort of thing. It's just that Bernard and now I choose to er... articulate it. And if it feels better, why not?
Eh but, you got your own blog la don't write on other people's tagboard. Not nice nah... lol.
It's probably that contribution thing that my mom said that triggered this off. And I can't answer. I could say I brought joy and laughter to the family, but what kind of stupid answer is that? Obviously I haven't been bringing joy if my mom was lecturing me.
Guess it's time to get a grip of my life. Do you have a grip on yours?
orchestrated by Renhao at 7:51:00 pm
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