Fortissimo

My second Campus Ministry meeting. I'm so glad I went.

Pastor Chin decided to take some time this evening for just praying in tongues. Honestly I didn't quite know why I just went along, I felt nothing special. But Pastor Chin said to shut off your mind and emotions, so okay well alright, since I'm not going to be doing anything else anyway...

Pastor first called for those who have yet to receive the gift of tongues and wished to do so. Then when he was done, he called for those who have been feeling dry... Like your life had no meaning at all... Like you didn't know anymore why you existed. He called for those to come out to receive.

There were many times in main service that I didn't want to go up, when Pastor Prince simply declared that Jesus was in the house and this would be the day of your miracle your breakthrough your healing blah blah blah. Although I very much wanted to, and although I knew there was nothing wrong in going up because my cousin would do anything but point and laugh and call me weak. But I just didn't.

Today I felt the usual dilemma again. Oh forget it, I thought, I'll just receive it from here. I should explain that I was by myself. I didn't know where Maria was and Rong didn't attend today (for which she apologised so profusely I was momentarily taken aback). So I thought what the hell, who is there to laugh at me or even think differently about me? I need this dammit.

So I went up, and freak, it was so cold can? It was raining outside and the room was like a fridge, and I didn't bring my hoodie today because I remembered it was warm the last time round. It was so cold that I didn't know whether my difficulty breathing was due to excitement or coldness.

Ah more explanation to do.

For those who don't already know, it is a common thing in service, quite common anyway, when the pastor takes a moment to just pray for those who feel they need a healing, or breakthrough in their lives, or a simple miracle. And when the pastor or leader lays hands on the person in question, it is not uncommon to see them losing consciousness. There's always someone behind to catch them, because aside from the fact that the full effect would probably not be realised if the leader had to catch the person, he would also have to pray for lightning legs for himself to zip behind the person before he conks his head on the floor and passes out for real. This is called a visit from God.

So as I lined up to be prayed for people were dropping left right and centre. There was this girl from the main service praise and worship who seriously pulled no punches. She just walked up to the next free person and went SALAKALADRAMASHADAHADABALADA FLOW FLOW FLOW.

Needless to say the person dropped like a zapped fly.

As it came to me, this guy whom my cousin knew personally and introduced to me came up to me and held my hands. And all this while I was going through my head... What's gonna happen what's gonna happen will I fall will I laugh will I cry what's gonna happen...?

Now as my friend prayed for me, from nowhere I felt everything fall away in an instant. My energy, my worries, my troubles, my sins, my strength. It was there, it was not. Just snap, gone. I stumbled backwards and effortlessly pulled myself back to consciousness. Then my friend went on, saying pour a fresh anointing on him, and again, I felt myself give way. But I actually managed to catch myself before I hit the floor.

Good thing probably, or the guy behind me would have lost his grip anyway. Haha. I do think it was doubt though that kept me from falling, which in all respects I wanted to, not just getting a half-past-six experience. When I felt my energy go, I was like... what the hell it really works?... and that's it my energy came back to me.

Sigh. Never doubt God. Especially when you believe he is the one perfect God. Sheesh.

But it's beautiful, how it comes to you. Not some ball of energy slamming the lights out of you. Just an overpowering energy you don't even feel running into you. I never did fall unconscious, but just to enjoy the feeling I lay on the floor for awhile.

When I got back to my seat I went on praying quietly in tongues. Just letting it run... letting it flow... When I finally stopped (I dunno why I stopped either), I felt what I've been longing to feel.

I was without worry, without fear. My heart was still, still as... um... a lake... on a... non-windy day. Not a stir affected its flat, shining reflective surface. Instead, a calm, quiet peace, radiant with joy, shone from within the depths of my heart. This was what they were talking about. This is the shalom peace I thought I felt.

Not even close.

How wonderful.